The most exclusive members-only boutique on the web for the refined, discerning customer of fine taste to select and purchase exorbitantly luxurious products. Choice products for rare, exceptional ladies and gentlemen who are satisfied only with the most esteemed, rarefied marques and the most uncommonly exquisite, nobly sublime masterworks of peerlessly virtuosic craftsmanship. For those for whom money is no object and who will spare no expense to remain at the summit of class. For those who cherish flawless, incomparable objets of the unsurpassed upper echelon of excellence. We offer only works of matchless, transcendent perfection at the utter zenith of quality — all at insane discounts, today only!!! Today today today!!! Buy any item below now, and receive free: one Mercedes-Benz W221 and a shipping container of Shamwows, a total value of 350 thousand guineas! Call now to take advantage of this amazing offer!
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The internet has been around long enough that the early naïveté many members of the public once brought to their dealings with online organizations has long since been replaced with a savvy, sophisticated approach. Hence, most people demonstrate a healthy skepticism as to the glib claims they come across. We applaud this prudence, and hence, to help put our customers at ease, we have placed at left a stock photograph of a customer service agent. This photograph clearly indicates or suggests that ours is a legitimate, trustworthy, well-established organization, probably with a well-trained team of attractive customer service agents and a top rating by the Better Business Bureau.
The old cliché asks, “What do you get the man who has everything?” For our members, this question applies almost as well to women, and what is more, it is not so much a hyperbole as it is a reality and a delicate predicament. Indeed, many of our members literally own almost everything that can be legally owned under existing schemes of property rights, making the choice of what to give them as a gift unduly onerous. This has been further complicated as some of our members have left behind the goal of possessing ever more material goods for a more spiritual quest to possess the appearance of spiritual enlightenment and the approbation of like-minded people living on the west coast of North America. After having owned so many of the most precious tangible material goods one can own in this life, it is exhilarating to move on to owning the essence of life itself, to hold it, to know it is metaphorically locked up in one’s safe, far from the grasp of others who refuse to maintain a regular yoga or meditation practice. These strivings, if we can use such a word to describe a lifestyle springing from the ideal of non-attachment, have led many of our members to spearhead a ‘voluntary simplicity’ movement.
But naturally, it can be challenging to make the transition from ultra-rich mega-billionaire wallowing in expensive goods to infinitely spiritually wealthy shaman levitating in a slightly less pricey, more minimalist and organic New Age aesthetic of mystic sanctity and sanctimony and a less demanding workweek. To help our members through the transition, we offer a comprehensive voluntary simplicity life coaching service. We guide you through a process of releasing to our organization those worldly goods that are only serving to burden you, while providing you access to as many mandala-drawing workshops, peyote ceremonies, and labyrinth-walking rituals as necessary to support you in ‘your process’. We exchange your finely tailored couture or ironic retro-hipster fashions for organic hemp vestments that give you only the slightest air of overbearing pretentiousness. By adopting a cleaner, simpler lifestyle, guided by a dreamy and romanticized view of the wisdoms of ‘the East’, of indigenous cultures, and of pre-modern European societies, you are able to achieve dramatic reductions in your environmental impact. Your carbon footprint drops to approximately 98% of its former value simply because, rather than constantly jet-setting to indulgent, decadent, all-inclusive resorts, where you used to fall into one delirious, booze-soaked sexual affair after another, you now choose to travel only to ascetic ashrams where you focus your intention and energy on stillness and pure awareness of the greater Self but where synchronicity takes over, as it seems to time and again, and again unites you for a time with yet another traveler, a kindred soul with whom you embark upon a unique and precious journey of mystical sexual healing, that must end — as all things in this life must — when you fly home, your Kundalini force vibrating, crown chakra wide open, heart chakra beaming out pure love that the deadened people around you somehow still can’t feel, instead misperceiving you as a self-absorbed flake hiding your arrogance from yourself beneath a shiny veneer of caricatured spirituality and extended close hugs at every opportunity accompanied by gentle hippy smiles with long warm affirming gazes and fuzzy New Agey mantras. But you know not to take on their negativity, since you know that everyone’s on their own journey, and you can’t expect everyone to be at the same stage of development as you are.
Also, if you know someone who you believe would benefit from adopting a lifestyle of voluntary simplicity, but who may be closed and resistant to committing themselves to the process of personal growth they are so in need of, may we suggest our involuntary simplicity mugging/home invasion service, where our team of experienced spiritual guides gently persuades and assaults the ‘target of enlightenment’, as they are called. In a compassionate confrontation, ideally in the target’s own home, our team lightens the target of the wearying trappings and baggage of our modern lifestyles — the big-screen TVs, the fancy cars, the iPhones, the wallets, the ‘essential’ daily medications and the underclothes — thus leaving the formerly materialistic individual literally naked and fully exposed to the full and inescapable force of the wisdom of the Universe, which we can only take in when we cast aside our armour and shields of fear and clothing, opening ourselves in loving surrender. Only then can we truly embark upon the journey where we gain genuine self-knowledge and where others also gain quite detailed and scrutinizing knowledge about who we really are — about the identity that we had once hidden so carefully and anxiously underneath all those layers of persona and warm clothing, the layers that after years of socialization and brainwashing we had come to believe were simply a protection against the cold wintry weather and the shame of public nakedness, when in fact, they served to ‘protect’ us from the Truth all around us.
Not everyone is ready to cast aside worldly goods, and with good reason — as long as the human experience is a corporeal one, ownership of worldly goods will be pretty awesome. But it is still critical to choose the best worldly goods possible, or to be precise, the best worldly goods and services possible. With this in mind, rather than simply listening to some highly-paid marketing gurus, economic pundits, or other respected charlatans, we did all of the above — but we didn’t stop there. We asked you what you wanted. What is the best good or service imaginable, what do you most desire? And you responded — loudly and clearly and incessantly. And we think you’ll like what we came up with.
Now, we all know how handy it can be to have a butler around to assist with the myriad of household duties, to provide informal counsel on matters of state, and to act as a general dogsbody at your beck and call. All the same, time and time again, our members have described the inconvenience and annoyance that the busy butler bustling about can bring up. Sometimes it seems that you’re constantly almost bumping into them as they frantically dash around the mansion trying to attend to a seemingly endless list of often humiliating tasks. Needless to say, the frustrations many of our members experience often lead to yet more inconvenience when they are forced to punish or even execute their well-meaning butlers for their accidental insubordinations.
What is the answer to this problem? Certainly not more butlers — this only multiplies the problem. Not robot butlers — by definition, they lack the human touch and a convincing human pain response. No, the answer is clear: the homuncular butler. Yes, a butler and homunculus, all in one. A miniature human, springing forth from the mandrake plant (the history of which, in turn, is somewhat sordid), and then rigorously trained in the secret ways of butlerhood. His small size allows him to scamper quickly underfoot without ever obstructing your path as you casually wander from drawing room to sitting room to salon to lounge. And you’ll never regret your purchase when he suits up and dives deep into the sewage system to successfully retrieve the sea serpent tribal talisman you accidentally flushed down the toilet in the midst of a bit of innocent larking about with the maid in the bathroom, an accident that never would have happened in the first place if the maid had not been so tentative and timid in her handling of the talisman but had instead used it in the more playful and hearty fashion you prefer.
As Jesus carried the cross to Calvary, it is said that St. Veronica used her veil to wipe His sweat from His brow. The holy image of Jesus’ face was then imprinted upon her veil, thus endowing the veil with miraculous powers — slaking the thirst of the thirsty, giving sight to the blind, and raising the dead. This veil, like other miraculous relics, is one of the most sought-after, desirable goods known to humankind. Unfortunately, the precise location of the said veil is unknown and for centuries has been veiled, so to speak, by a barrage of competing claims and counter-claims; however, we can vouch that our Veil of Veronica is genuine and does indeed bear the likeness of the face in question. The veil has been scientifically verified to be the particular veil Veronica used to wipe the sweat from the brow of Archie’s face following a particularly vigorous session of intimacy. We don’t make any hyped claims that it has miraculous powers — though Veronica liked to coquettishly quip that she knew a few tricks with that veil that could raise Archie’s ‘homunculus’ from the ‘dead’.
The reverence given to J.S. Bach only grows deeper with passing time and as more ears are graced with the profundity and transcendence of his musical genius. What could have inspired such a harmonious marriage of mathematical complexity and soulful expression? Surely it must have been otherworldly. Yes, this is true, but it is not the entire story. For devoted Bach fans, we have a truly unique item of celebrity memorabilia. All are familiar with the soaring, sublime beauty of the famous adaptation of Bach’s Air — the Air on the G string. Violinist August Wilhelmj took inspiration for this adaptation from Bach’s illustrated diary and a collection of his mementos, among which was the very G-string worn by Bach’s lover. To honour the great composer, we simply call this the Original Bach’s Air on the G-string. Through a process not dissimilar to the story in the film The Red Violin, we have come into possession of this inspirational underclothing, and are now accepting offers from interested connoisseurs. Machine wash on cold, gentle cycle; tumble dry only.
But what would be the ultimate piece of celebrity memorabilia? Something that brings truly astounding bragging rights that no earthly peer or underling would ever be able to top? It’s a tough question, isn’t it? Give up? Ok — how about The True Body and Blood of Jesus Christ? That’s right, the actual body and blood of the Son of God. Can this be true? As many of you well know, it’s hard enough as a collector of celebrity memorabilia to get your hands on the body of Michael Jackson, let alone that of Jesus. Yes, it sounds incredible, but you’d better believe it. How is it possible, though? How do we do it?
Our secret is the miracle of transubstantiation. That’s right — if you remember your Catholic indoctrination, through a complex metaphysical process, a priest can facilitate the ‘transubstantiation‘ of the Eucharistic host into the actual body and blood of Jesus Christ. The priest facilitates the sacred transformation of the host bread and wine to Jesus’ body and blood, thus allowing the churchgoers to have a light snack while also performing a bit of Holy Cannibalism. Of course, the bread and wine retain the appearance, taste, and texture of bread and wine, so as to not gross out the takers of communion too much. So stock up on as much of the True Body and Blood of Jesus Christ as you like to show off to your amazed and bemused friends and neighbours. Our in-house priests and cardinals are constantly on the assembly lines working extended shifts, busily blessing and transubstantiating incredible volumes of bread and wine for your holy celebrity memorabilia-collecting pleasure. Celiacs and those sensitive to gluten note: the host bread is gluten-free. Recall that the ‘bread’ following transubstantiation is not actually bread; it is Jesus’ body.
Today, it is not uncommon for men to use international marriage agencies to find so-called ‘mail-order brides’. The range of issues related to this phenomenon deserve discussion in a broad and open forum; this is not the time or place for such a discussion. However, one thing that is clear is that these marriage agencies are only addressing a small part of the larger complex of social problems brought about by the breakdown of the traditional family unit. To help address these issues, we offer mail-order mothers-in-law. Perhaps you already have a mail-order bride, perhaps you are a bachelor, perhaps you are ensconced within a highly networked polyamorous coven or posse; but whatever the case, if you feel you are missing out on the very concrete benefits afforded by having a mother-in-law living in an in-law-suite, we have a very well-stocked roster of mothers-in-law-to-be for you to choose from. No longer will you have to feel left out when the gang is making mother-in-law jokes; no more will you have to put on matronly clothing and play-act as a mother-in-law when no one else is home. Join the club everyone wants to be part of: the club of people who have mothers-in-law.
Though it certainly comes with its challenges, being unimaginably rich does have its perks, let’s face it. One of the greatest of these is the ability to sin and then ‘buy your way out of it’, to use the crude vernacular. That’s why, for centuries now, we have gone out of our way to ensure that our warehouses are always well-stocked with indulgences. What’s your sin? Usury? Gluttony? Sacrilege? Divorce? Wrath? Sodomy? Coveting your neighbour’s ox and/or ass? Coveting your neighbour’s ox’s ass? Acedia? You name it, we got it; you sin it, we forgive it. Venial, mortal, we’ll erase it with a chortle; no sin too big, no sin too small, bless your soul, we’ll obliterate ’em all; you got a problem — yo, we absolve it, to paraphrase Vanilla Ice. Talk to one of our absolution experts today. We’ll even throw in some carbon offsets. These specialized indulgences will clear up any carbon emissions sins you or your holdings may have committed, or are planning to commit.
Speaking of piety and penance, hairshirts are just as popular today as they were in ancient and medieval times. But our members are only satisfied with the best, no matter the product, and hairshirts are no exception. Now, it’s obvious from the moment that you put a hairshirt on that this thing wasn’t designed for comfort. Far from it — the itchiness, the open sores, the putrid infections and weeping abscesses are enough to make you tear madly at your wretched flesh, weeping and gnashing your teeth and cursing Man’s original sin and having fallen from grace and being shackled to an incarnate existence of corporeal suffering. Well, that’s more or less what the original designers intended, but our designers like to think outside the box. They ask the questions no one else dares to. They asked, “Why can’t our members have comfortable hairshirts?” Why not indeed. Our deluxe hairshirts are made from only the softest, smoothest, velvetiest hairs of baby horses who arguably willingly volunteered to be immortalized in our new product line. You’ll thank the Heavens and our team of designers that atoning for your sins can be so luxurious and even curiously erotic.
On a hot summer’s day, what could be better than knocking back a few beers, stumbling into your car and heading off to a bikini car wash? The answer is: nothing. But what do you do when you weave dangerously and ethically solipsistically all over your city’s streets but there’s no giggling crews of hot bikini-clad babes from a university sports team who desperately need funding to stay afloat and who think feminism is totally gross? Well, then it’s time to break out the DIY home bikini car wash kit. First, park your car, set up the free-standing mirrors around it, and shave your bikini line and ideally the rest of your body. Then just squeeze into the bikini, pop the psychedelics, cue the hoses and let the fun begin. Call today and stock up now for next bikini car wash season!