We know there are two types of people who come to our blog: our loyal, regular patrons, and those patrons who find it a little difficult to show up consistently, perhaps due to the time-strapped lives we all tend to lead in this busy modern world, or perhaps due to a shifty turn of character. To show our loyal customers our deep appreciation, while quietly registering our disappointment in our less regular customers, we have established a rewards club. To any of our cherished repeat customers, we offer a reward of $100 a head for any less committed customer. That’s the reward part of the equation; the club part comes into the picture in that the inconsistent customer must be clubbed to death in order to be considered a valid kill. We understand this arrangement might raise eyebrows for some of our more squeamish customers out there, but some have found it helpful to imagine the punished customer as an adorable baby harp seal while visualizing oneself as a bloodthirsty seal hunter.


Rewards club — 2 Comments

  1. Maybe this should be addressed to your customer service page, I don’t know. Anyhoo, what I wanna complain about is the uncollected dead bodies in my parlour. It’s been two weeks since I left a message on your answering machine and no one has got back to me about my $700 reward. Please get back to me asap. The neighbours are starting to complain about the smell.

  2. Dear valued customer:

    We regret to inform you at this time that, as a fly-by-night operation, we do not currently honour any of our commitments to our clients. May we recommend that you turn down the thermostat in your parlour pending your ability to make other arrangements. We are sorry for any inconvenience, and we hope that you enjoyed your clubbing experience, be it vicious clubbing of victims, vicious nightclubbing, or both.

    Please come again. We look forward to serving you again in the future!

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