This page is here to help demystify the process of using this blog. Perhaps you’re a bit new to this whole blog scene, still figuring out this internet thing, just casually checking things out a bit. So perhaps you’re poking around with mild curiosity, intrigued enough to idly amble by but not quite sure if you want to stick around, just sort of observing a bit, kind of dipping your toes into the water, feeling a bit tentative, and your face is horribly bruised and bleeding and broken from continually brutally smashing and driving your face into the monitor with freakish force in an attempt to interact with the content; or perhaps you’re quite confident and self-possessed, an old hand at the blog scene moving about with the grace, ease, fluency and aplomb of a dancer because you invented electrons and you’re continually brutally smashing incompetent computer users’ faces into their monitors with astonishing and commendable force. Most likely, though, you’re like most of us and you’re a little bit of both of the above, in which case, you just might find a tip or two in here that will help make the whole blog usage process just that little bit smoother and more enjoyable. Let’s take a look now at a few common misconceptions and myths about this blog.
Top ten myths about this blog
Myth No. 1: Reading this blog will infect you with dengue fever.
False. This is one of those superficially plausible ‘urban myths’ that started out as an innocent joke between a group of computer science graduate students in California but soon escalated into mass panic and group rituals too disturbing and violent to describe here. Though we assure you that this blog poses you a very low risk of infection, it may help put your mind at ease to do as many of our readers do and install a continuous DDT-feed into the ventilation system in your home or at your place of work. In any case, while we acknowledge the value of such public health measures, it is important not to obscure the moral component of the spread of dengue fever. It is, fundamentally, a ‘social disease’ that primarily targets those who fraternize with and consort with mosquitoes in a promiscuous fashion. While one can afford oneself a measure of safety by using ‘protection’ when being physically intimate with multiple mosquito partners, the only way to be completely safe is to remain chaste, or to be monogamous while avoiding the exchange of bodily fluids. Remember, there are many very fulfilling, exciting ways you can share your love with a mosquito that don’t involve a proboscis penetrating an epidermis!
Myth No. 2: It’s best to read this blog while operating heavy machinery.
Mostly false. While it’s perfectly safe to read this blog while operating heavy machinery, there is a strong and long-standing taboo against doing so in most cultures, so it’s best to be sensitive to this. Being an organization with strong ties around the globe, we make it a priority to give back to the communities that have provided us so much hospitality, and we are deeply committed to understanding, respecting, and honouring all peoples. When we arrived in new places with barge-loads of advanced technology and teams of ‘experts’ and the best of intentions, we soon discovered that we were the real students. As the peoples who are so deeply connected to these places welcomed us into their homes, fed us, shared with us their deepest, most ancient secrets and their most sacred erotic rites, and repaired our mission-critical server hardware, they have helped us become integrated into their communities and ways of life more deeply than we could have ever imagined. We have learned that though everything seemed so different and exotic at first, in fact, there is more that we all have in common, there is more that we share. In truth, it is both our differences and commonalities that bind us and make us human. Our deep appreciation of these special ties gives our organization the ability to work effectively with a diverse range of backward groups with remarkably laughable beliefs.
Myth No. 3: It is recommended to wait half an hour after eating before reading this blog.
False. We recommend waiting a minimum of six business days after consuming any food or water before reading this blog. The reasons for this are unclear, but it is hypothesized that we fetishize reduced blood plasma volume.
Myth No. 4: The God of the Sky and the Thunder descended from the Heavens, assumed the form of a swan, and seduced Leda, daughter of Thestius, whereafter she laid two eggs from which eventually hatched Helen and Polydeuces.
Actually true. Users of this blog tend to be essentially just as intelligent as the average person in most respects, and so it comes as little surprise to them that the story of Leda and the swan is, in fact, completely true, except for the beginning and ending parts. Some liberties were also taken in the middle of the story, and considerable poetic license was subsequently exercised to give the story a little more ‘arc’ and more coherence. In addition, to further protect the privacy of the persons involved, all of the names were changed and the whole plot was completely fabricated.
Myth No. 5: Improved education and technology will save us from this blog.
False. In fact, as more and more individuals are able to access a quality education, and as digital communications technology continues to advance and be adopted by more and more people around the globe, the pernicious, insidious influences of this blog will in fact spread ever faster and be ever more difficult to stamp out without the use of specialized footwear for which there unfortunately exist no efficient global distribution chains.
Myth No. 6: You can’t get pregnant if you read this blog while having sex.
False. This myth is particularly dangerous because of the false sense of security it gives many young couples. Every day, pretty much countless children are born to parents who thought all they had to do was read this blog and while doing so, they could just hump away with complete impunity, be they public health officials or diplomats or not. Even in the time it took you to read that last sentence, eight babies were born to these ill-informed, naïve souls. Stop and think about that for a second. Eight babies, every nineteen minutes. But these are still just numbers — let’s put this in concrete terms. That’s an hour and seven and a half minutes every twenty-eight point four two babies. Don’t let it happen to you. Don’t become a statistic, or to be precise, don’t give birth to another statistic.
But don’t get too comfortable and smug now that you think you know the truth about this blog. The truth is more chilling yet. Study after study after study has shown that reading this blog increases fertility rates tremendously. And while some people can feel uncomfortable or embarrassed when this subject comes up, this is far too important to tiptoe around. Avoiding the topic only perpetuates the ignorance many have around this issue. It’s time to call a spade a spade and acknowledge the elephant in the room. Now is the time for some frank, no-nonsense talk. It’s like this: it doesn’t matter if you always use a condom, if you never practice penile-vaginal intromission, if you never ever take your pants off and you keep them tightly buckled, zipped, cinched, strapped, welded, and smeared with contraceptive animal dung at all times with no exceptions. If you read this blog — and make no mistake, you are reading it now — you will get pregnant. This blog doesn’t care if you’re man, woman, wildebeest or flying saucer — you are getting pregnant. This blog doesn’t care who you are, how much money you make or how fancy of a suit you wear to your fancy job — in its eyes, everyone and everything is the same, just something to get pregnant. And the sooner you accept that, the sooner you stop fighting, the better off you’ll be. You can deny all you want, but you’d be a lot wiser to start preparing for your imminent pregnancy. Start now. Check out maternity fashions, decorate the little one’s new room, sit wistfully by the window while smiling gently and sniffing a rose and holding the ripe roundness of your belly, chunder a bit in the mornings, and stock up on ultrasound gel. Get ready. It’s coming. And please send us your baby pics, we’d love to see them!