This list of questions (see below) is a list of questions that have been asked with disturbingly high frequency, though in some cases, the questions have in fact been asked with lower degrees of frequency but have nevertheless been deemed relevant for inclusion hereinunderafter down there. In addition, some questions in the list of questions below (see below) may have been asked with essentially zero frequency prior to their inclusion in this list, but it is clear that once a question has been included in this list that it may be plainly and arguably uncontroversially considered as having thus ipso facto been asked at least once, and furthermore in addition it is moreover clear that the determination of what is or is not or is not not a ‘frequently’ asked question is by no means an objective matter in that it is unclear prima facie whether to classify or not classify a question that has only been asked once as infrequently asked, and furthermore for the purposes of the production and publication of this list of questions (see below) it was determined that the aforementioned questions in question (see above and below) be not exclusively frequently ‘asked’, but also frequently ‘askable’, and it has been determined that it is considered not generally open to question that any question in general is askable, including the said questions in question in the present passage and foregoing. (See also below.)
The actual list of frequently asked/askable questions
1. What measures have you put in place to ensure accountability for the material published in this website?
We take your concerns very seriously — accountability is one of our top priorities here. Our corporate culture is completely oriented toward providing accountability for the factual veracity and unimpugnable authority of the views expressed in this website. As part of our commitment to accountability and transparency, any proposed malfeasance or corruption must first be approved by the top levels of management. In addition, any complaint we receive regarding alleged improprieties is addressed with an immediate and in-depth internal investigation led by the subject of the complaint.
2. What is the average height of your editorial staff?
We’re glad you asked! We’ve just completed an intensive five-year study on the heights of our staff. Based on a rich dataset of over 6.8 billion data points, our results suggest that the average height of the study participants is almost 5.4 metres. However, further study is needed to determine the replicability of these findings and to determine whether fewer high-voltage transmission towers should have been included in the original study sample.
3. How can I help?
There are hundreds of fun, easy, and creative ways for you, your family and friends, and your community to get involved. However, only one of these is actually helpful: send us money.
4. What kinds of antipyretic medications are most effective in treating Bieber fever?
This question is based on a common misconception. ‘Bieber fever’ is actually a jocular metaphorical term for the widespread popular interest in and excitement about both Justin Bieber’s musical works and his public persona. It does not refer to a pathophysiological fever as commonly understood in the terminology of modern biomedicine. However, if the Bieber fever progresses and more acute symptoms of gastroenteritis, diarrhea, intestinal hemorrhage, and metastatic abscesses present, megadoses of ciprofloxacin are indicated.
5. What is the meaning of life?
This question is indeed frequently asked, though probably not as frequently as questions of more immediate pragmatic value, such as “Where’s the bathroom?”, or “What’s the best way to urinate?”, or “How do I get my dick out of this zipper?” But perhaps the best way to answer your question is by asking you a question in turn. Or perhaps not — what do you think, would that be a good idea? Let us know.
6. I haven’t received my pizza yet, wtf?
It’s a bit hard to interpret your question, but we’re assuming you ordered a pizza and haven’t received it yet. We take this kind of complaint very seriously here. We are well aware of some of the shortcomings of the customer service provided by some of the other major pizza corporations, conglomerates, and syndicates, not to mention consortiums. Their customer service representatives have been known to be quite dismissive, laughing with extreme force while scoffing, “Maybe you ate it already and just forgot”, or insulting the customer’s intelligence by saying insultingly, “You have lower-than-average intelligence”. That’s not how we do things here. Regarding your inquiry about the delivery, please note that you should allow 10-14 business days for any delivery to arrive. Note also that we do strictly observe all national, provincial, state, municipal, and liturgical holidays around the globe. Also note that we are not actually in the pizza delivery business. However, one of our staff does dabble in pizza delivery as a hobbyist, so we will refer your concern to him.
7. What would you say are your strengths and weaknesses?
Well, we’re self-starters and hard workers. We learn quickly and we’re team players. We’re prepared to stay late to get the job done, we have great communication skills, and we’re good at taking constructive criticism. As for weaknesses, well, we admit that sometimes we’ve been known to stay a bit too late at the office and we can be just a bit on the perfectionist side with our assignments, but we think as we’ve matured we’ve realized we can get just as much done simply by developing and emphasizing the use of really efficient systems at work. Other than that, nothing comes to mind for weaknesses; but we should mention that one of our crew is an ancient Greek hero and has a bit of a finicky tendon in his lower leg area. Oh, also chocolate! We have a weakness for chocolate. And beautiful, strong women too, that’s definitely a weakness of ours. There’s a bit of a story there, actually.
Well one time, one of our guys, let’s call him Edgar, well Edgar he was out just walking down the street, minding his own business, just like on any other day, when all of a sudden this strong, beautiful woman, she was smart and sassy and sexy and confident and knew what she wanted in life and wasn’t going to wait for any man to lead the way, well all of a sudden she just sashayed right out onto that street and shot Edgar dead with a shotgun. Just like that. So you can see how this kind of woman really had some kind of mysterious power over Edgar, she made him feel weak, made him literally collapse and fall to the ground with complete and utter wimpy weakness. And it stirs up so much turmoil inside — you have to feel such deep compassion for someone so hurt and so helpless, but also you can’t help but think, what a pathetic weakling, what a loser, why can’t he just see the unhealthy pattern that he’s in and that he’s continually re-living. We can still remember it all, just like it was yesterday. And even now, even today, a few hours after the incident in question, we still find that that kind of woman can really make us feel so tender and vulnerable and make us question a lot of things about who we are, where we’re going, how far away it is, and how fast we can get there.
8. Dude, where’s my car?
You know, if we had a million dollars for every time someone asked us that question, that would be really super great. Are you listening Santa? But seriously, it’s a very innovative business model and we’re currently moving forward on developing it further. We’re presently fielding offers from angel investors. The Archangel Gabriel has already put a very aggressive offer on the table.
9. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
Yes. That is a stupid question.
10. What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Come on, that’s stupid too. Are these questions really supposed to lead to enlightenment? You need at least two hands to clap… oh it’s become so clear now! Enlightenment is upon us! So, is this question really asking about the noises of discomfort a farmhand makes when suffering from gonorrhea?
11. Sometimes people tell me the way I talk is kind of annoying?
Ok, that’s not a question, it’s just that you have a speech habit of making statements with a rising intonation — what is known as ‘uptalk’, or sometimes, controversially, called a ‘high rising terminal’. In the English language, a rising intonation at the end of a spoken sentence usually signals that you’re asking a question. The bottom line is that when you make your statements sound like questions, you sound a bit ditzier than necessary and it does annoy some people.
11. How do you respond to allegations that your organization is Satanic?
First of all, we need to get our terms straight. We’re talking about small ‘s’ satanic, not big ‘S’ Satanic. They’re two very different things. Second of all, it seems that most of the confusion in these allegations comes from the fact that the small ‘s’ satanists were the former occupants of our office space. We’re not satanists, but while they’re getting settled in their new downtown storefront, we are happy to forward to them any messages or mail you may have for them, and we wish them Satanspeed. (They do use a big ‘S’ in that expression.)
12. And what about the ‘blood oaths’ your executive officers must take?
Again, you’re talking about the satan… oh right, yes, the blood oaths. This was a policy that we had instated briefly as a means to help ensure accountability to our shareholders. Frankly the outcomes were a bit gruesome. Following an internal review, we discovered that blood oaths were somewhat incongruent with our mission statement, so we took immediate action and designated the blood oath policy to be phased out during the subsequent four fiscal years.