Some folks might feel a bit awkward if asked to define pornography, but as the saying goes, they know it when they see it. Consequently, many people know pornography to an impressive degree of depth. But it would take a staggering amount of hard work and dedication to really know pornography, to know all of its secret crannies and unwieldy protuberances. The sheer vastness of the world of contemporary pornography is an awe-inspiring monument to the mind-boggling diversity of human (and sometimes extra-human) desire. No matter what curious kink you might have, the internet can satisfy you. It doesn’t matter if you’re into tickling nuns’ elbows with large masses of sauerkraut, or spanking cheerleaders’ upper arms with huge masses of sauerkraut, or massaging heads of states’ deltoids with breathtakingly huge quantities of sauerkraut, the internet has got it all. Let me just say, sauerkraut is, wow. And then there’s the really perverted stuff, like penile-vaginal intercourse between a consenting adult man and woman, without any fermented cabbage in sight.
A friend of mine, it wasn’t me, a friend was telling me about the latest new subgenre in porn. It sounds like a bit of an acquired taste. Apparently, food porn can be surprisingly difficult to masturbate to. My friend tells me that he was salivating quite a bit but was having trouble maintaining a viable degree of genital tumescence. After a bit of googling around, though, he found some really hot footage of melons and coconuts, and then there were some photos of tacos that ended up being the crème de la crème.
Of course, one of the problems with exposing yourself to this kind of intense visual stimulation is that you become habituated to it. Sure, a food porn star might be blessed with a fantastically delicious, mouthwatering appearance, but it’s simply unrealistic to expect most food in the real world to look anything like that. You have to remember, the fantasy is just that — a fantasy. Consider all the efforts even the most naturally alluring food porn stars go through to look the way they do on screen. It’s all constructed, it’s totally artificial. There’s the waxing with carnauba, the shaving of ice, the bleaching of flour, the silicone containers in which various foods are stored. It can be so processed that you wouldn’t even really want to put it in your mouth. Though you might sensuously rub it all over your naked body, that’s cool, I’m not judging.
Look, there’s nothing wrong with appreciating images of perfectly rounded rumps, succulent, expertly basted thighs and breasts, and chewy, nutritious giblets, you’re only human. But in the end, you have to remember that you can’t taste the image on the screen. If you really want to savour something, you’re going to have to pull yourself out of that fantasy world and head into the kitchen. Or if you’re lucky, maybe you’ll get invited to a potluck.