Cutting through the phallusies

Many things that we now take for granted and that seem so normal were not always so humdrum and commonplace. It takes the spark of insight, the miracle of human ingenuity to give birth to new and better ways of doing things and to let go of the old habits and customs that no longer serve us. For example, take circumcision. History has gifted us with many geniuses, but mere genius isn’t enough here: you need to really be able to think outside the box to discern that chopping off a piece of your dick is a good idea. After this initial realization, progress was rapid: soon, the best minds began to understand that chopping off a piece of someone else’s dick was an even better idea, and this finally culminated in the recognition that the younger and smaller someone is, the less resistance they will be able to put up when you chop off a piece of their dick.

The benefits of circumcision are numerous. While out and about town on a blustery day, no longer do you need to cringe in embarrassment as your unsightly foreskin flaps in the breeze; instead, you can stride along with the quiet confidence of a man whose glans is fully exposed. You can safely operate heavy machinery without fear of your prepuce being seized uncomfortably in the violently spinning works. You are free from the constant taunts and ridicule from employers, peers, friends, family, and librarians that beset those who are unfortunate enough to be burdened with excess schlong epidermis.

Despite all this, some people have expressed doubts about the practice of circumcising infants. Given that it’s not generally a medically necessary procedure, they argue, why not let the individual decide for himself when he’s old enough? This seems reasonable enough, until you consider that infants do in fact give consent to the procedure. The infant gives the slicing practitioner either a thumbs-up or an “OK” sign, and then the amputation is carried out amidst the infant’s chortles of mirth.

It’s sometimes also claimed that the foreskin is a natural part of a healthy male body, but this claim is problematic on two counts. First, it contains an implicit moralization that removing the foreskin is somehow an act against nature itself. But this is simply wrong: it is a normal and natural part of growing up to have a piece of your dick chopped off. For our ancient ancestors, this would have usually happened when struggling with a saber-toothed cat or a pterodactyl; in modern society, a doctor or other practitioner often replaces the pterodactyl, but a saber-toothed cat is nevertheless present to oversee the procedure and to take over if things go south. The second problem with the claim that the foreskin is a natural part of a healthy body is that circumcision has been shown to reduce the risk of transmission of HIV and other sexually transmitted infections in high-risk populations. This should not be surprising: it has similarly been observed that hand amputation significantly reduces the incidence of hand-related infections in vulnerable populations. Of course, just as hand washing and glove wearing are alternatives to hand amputation, schlong washing and condom wearing are alternatives to circumcision; however, it is obvious that washing one’s wang and wearing a condom are pretty lame activities compared to the adrenaline-charged thrill of putting a knife to one’s genitals.

A final point to consider is how one’s body affects one’s sense of identity. If a boy is uncircumcised but his father is circumcised, won’t the boy feel somehow different from the father? Won’t he grow up believing that perhaps, in some subtle but unshakeable way, he is somehow not really the son of the man who claims to be his father? Won’t the boy believe that he is not at all the man’s son, but is instead a mutant alien humanoid, full of twisted malevolence and hatred for all mankind? This is indeed the case. Anecdotally speaking, a friend of mine was not circumcised, unlike his father, and this painful fact slowly burrowed its way deeper and deeper into the boy’s psyche. Over time, he became so disturbed that he seemed to give up on life. He eventually took to lying helpless, screaming and crying, kicking his arms and legs, until his parents had him circumcised a few days after his birth. He’s been much better since. What made things a bit more complicated was the fact that his dad also has a Prince Albert penis piercing, which is well-known for being totally hot. After some searching, luckily, his parents were successful in finding a surgeon willing to also perform the piercing procedure and thus ensure that father and son are alike. But circumcision is not simply a way of marking the son as being like the father, of course – it also has a long history of being used as a sign of belonging to a larger group. Usually, this is a religious and/or ethnic group, though some of the most exclusive university fraternities reportedly also use it as a rite of passage, where you basically have to shotgun a certain number of beers before chopping a piece of your dick off.

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