Hello, friends. Do you ever wake up in the morning, and you open your eyes to the sheer beauty and magnificence of the world and you’re just completely filled with gratitude that you’re here and you’re alive? Most likely not, partly because of deep remorse over your poor choices in life, and partly because it’s hard to feel grateful when you wake up to a huge clod of dirt being pounded mightily into your slumbering face. I take full responsibility for this — I know a lot of you are dedicated followers of my product recommendations, and in retrospect, I regret giving my endorsement to the DirtPounder 2000 Alarm Clock. Not because it’s not effective — trust me, the product info sheet probably says it is — but because I’ve realized the percentages I’ve been getting from the endorsement deal are pretty weak. So, sorry about that, guys.
But really, we should always try to stay in touch with our gratitude for the miracle of life. Even when things are difficult, when we’re down, when nothing seems to go right, when we’re struggling, when we’re lost and alone, when we’re hurting, when our hearts are broken and we’ve lost the strength to go on, when we’ve fallen and been laid low, when hope has abandoned us and our dreams have forsaken us, when we’re stumbling in the darkness and even our tears have gone dry, when life is an utter steaming mound of irredeemable putrid shit so vile that even the sickest, most evil, most perverted fecal coliforms that normally greedily munch on unimaginably horrendous festering crap dumps in depraved online shock/snuff/prokaryotic films instead retch uncontrollably at its mere mention, heaving and chundering their poor nauseated little cytoplasmic guts out – even then, we should be grateful to our Maker, lest we further kindle the fire of His anger and be toasted like a marshmallow, crispy and oh-so-carcinogenic on the outside but yummy and gooey and probably carcinogenic on the inside (Jeremiah 15:14). You see, it’s like Forrest Gump said, quoting his mother: life is like a box of chocolates — you never know what you’re going to get, unless you take the time to actually read the freaking card that comes inside the box that tells you what flavour each chocolate is going to be. The trick in life, I’ve learned, is when life presents you with a choice, that’s when you need to read the ‘card’ that life hands you, so to speak, and choose the best ‘chocolates’, and avoid the ones that lead to suffering and misery. I’ve found this humble bit of wisdom enormously helpful and comforting as I make my way through this maze we call life, and I very sincerely recommend it to you as well, but you’re pretty much on your own when it comes to figuring out how to do anything that doesn’t involve eating chocolate.