The first rule of this blog is you do not talk about this blog. The second rule of this blog is you do not talk about Fight Club. It’s so annoying when people talk about Fight Club all the time. There are tons of other rules, but one of the most important is that you do not post filler material. At no time may the author sit down and dash off a bunch of half-assed jokes and call that a blog post. For example, it is not permitted to post a list of jokes such as the following:
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey buddy, why the long face?” The horse says, “Oh, things are just terrible. I’ve been unemployed for a while, and it’s really causing a lot of stress in my marriage. And of course there’s the anxiety about finances. I just don’t know what to do. I guess I’m just really depressed right now.”
A priest, a rabbi, and a Jain monk walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?” The rabbi replies, “No, we’re part of a group that is working to foster inter-faith dialogue and create understanding between our communities. We just had our weekly meeting and we thought it would be nice to have a beer and unwind a bit.”
A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar. They’re all alcoholics, so there’s nothing funny about it. Each one sits alone and drinks silently to dull his own inner pain.
A priest, a rabbi, and a Hindu pandit walk into a bar. The priest asks the bartender, “Excuse me, can you tell me where to find the bathroom?” All of a sudden, the horse that had previously walked into the bar and had been silently brooding in the corner goes on a violent alcohol-fueled rampage and kills everyone in the bar. It’s just a senseless tragedy and it’s tough to find anything in this story to laugh about.
A priest, a rabbi, and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, “Oh, sorry about that. I’ve been meaning to get the contractor to remove that dangerously protruding piece of rebar for a while and it just slipped my mind. I’ll call him right away. But first, can I offer you fellows a drink on the house?” They all agree, and it seems no harm is done.
A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk were having an argument about which one of them was following the one true path. They were able to come to consensus on some key points of morality, metaphysics, and even eschatology, but ultimately they remained in disagreement regarding several fundamental issues.
A priest, a rabbi, and a blonde sprint frantically at top speed into a bar. It is a sturdy iron bar with a sharpened point that, rather surreally, is protruding from the bar where drinks are served. All three are severely injured and require immediate treatment and months of hospitalization. The priest later falls into a coma and dies of his injuries.
A capitalist, a judge, and a politician walk into a bar. A dog with three legs walks in and says, “I’m a-lookin’ for the man who shot my paw.” Afterwards, all four head to a strip club. After leaving the strip club, they all decide to go ice fishing but die for some reason and find themselves at the Pearly Gates of heaven, St. Peter waiting for them, flanked by 72 comely virgins. Marx and Napoleon are sitting inside the gates, chatting. St. Peter asks the four, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” The judge says to the capitalist, “It seems this is just one long series of set-ups with no apparent punchline. This is a stupid waste of time.” One good thing that comes of it, though, is that the dog ends up finding the man who shot him in the paw and is able to hash things out with him.
A priest, a rabbi, and some other person are in a boat in the middle of a lake. The priest says, “I’m thirsty. I’m heading to shore to get something to drink.” He walks across the water to the shore, drinks some fresh milk out of a cow’s udder, turns a bright neon purple, transforms into a giant palm tree with enormous shark teeth and flies off into the distant realms of outer space while making deafening farting noises. The rabbi turns to the other person and says, “Wow, that was really weird.”
Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Would you like a beer?” Descartes says, “I think not”. He doesn’t necessarily cease to exist, though, because the negation of the antecedent clause of a conditional proposition does not imply the negation of the conclusion.
A pony walks into a bar and asks for a beer while speaking in a hoarse, rasping voice. The bartender asks, “What’s wrong with your voice?” The pony replies, “I just have a sore throat. A troubling amount of hoarseness in the voice. Just my luck. Nothing ever goes right for me. Woe is me. That’s why I have such a long face, that and countless millenia of evolutionary selection pressures. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? I can’t take it. I don’t think I can go on anymore.” He carries on in a similar fashion for quite a while, and the bartender gets pretty annoyed, but he is able to exercise some compassion and understanding and have a brief conversation with the pony, giving the pony some degree of comfort.
A priest, a rabbit, and a Buddhist monk walk into a proofreader’s office of a proofreader.
An actor in adult entertainment films who suffers from amnesia walks onto the set of a pornographic film studio, and asks, “Do I come here often?” Security staff at the site are alerted to his presence and arrive promptly to escort him from the premises. It turns out that he is not, nor has he ever been, in the employ of that particular studio.
A rabbi, an imam, and an atheist walk into a bar. These days, this kind of thing is more common than you might think, and it’s kind of lame to try to make a joke out of it.
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre, so he gives it to her; that is, he provides her with a double entendre, and then the two of them have sex.
A priest and a missionary, who have differing views on some issues, are speaking with an investigative journalist. The journalist asks the priest, “What is your position on pedophilia?” The priest says, “With respect to pedophilia, personally, my own position is basically the opposite of the missionary’s position… oh wait, those words were chosen poorly and could be an easy target for parody in the popular media. Let me rephrase my answer in a setting that is less obviously contrived to elicit a pun.”
A coal miner walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.” The miner then produces an identification card and the bartender apologizes profusely for the misunderstanding, and they both have a bit of a laugh about it.
How many Dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Seven: two to do the screwing, and five to undertake the process of constructing a light bulb sufficiently large and structurally sound for two people to screw inside of.
A person walks into a situation. Something unexpected and incongruous occurs and it all makes for a pleasant bit of humour.
A blonde and a Nobel prize winner walks into a bar and asks for a drink. No, there are no grammatical errors in that sentence — there’s only one person — the blonde is the Nobel prize winner. Any initial misunderstanding of that derives largely from the offensive cliché that all women with blonde hair are unintelligent, though the somewhat archaic phrasing of the sentence does also play a role.