Today, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus and how you can be saved. However, I’m pretty shaky on the ins and outs of the whole procedure so I guess it’s not my place to talk to you about it, no matter how much I might like to. But perhaps the fact we can’t get into this conversation right now is just as well, since history shows time and again that the very people who are most in need of being saved are also those who are most resistant to being saved — so much so that the savers are forced to resort to relentless and exhausting campaigns of coercion, spreading of diseases, cultural and economic destruction, and genocide. The friendly colonists and missionaries arrive full of humility and benevolent resource-exploitation plans only to be rebuffed by the arrogant natives with their aggravatingly superior, know-it-all attitudes. “No thank you, we don’t need to be saved. We’re not interested, we’re happy with our current deific service. No… no, thank you, have a nice day!” they say with their fake, smarmy little smiles. Christ, that’s annoying! Can you really blame the conquistadors for conducting countless massive slaughters of contemptuous indigenous peoples? The answer is yes, as I’ve just been informed by my PR consulting team. But the fact remains that the work of spreading the Good News would be immeasurably easier if those in need of being saved had just a little more self-awareness and took a bit more initiative in the self-improvement department.